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Hamsters in the greater Portland area have been accused of creating civil unrest in the goldfish community. As a result, lawyers for Goldfish Union Local #3354 have introduced a bill into state legislature that would severely limit the amount of “cuteness” which hamsters would be allowed to exhibit in homes with goldfish residents. The story erupted when “Bubbles” (a goldfish who lives in a small tank in the bedroom of Barry Hoser, age 8, of Lake Oswego) accused “Mr. Squeaky” and “Snuggles” (two hamsters living in a cage just two feet away) of garnering attention for themselves by “acting all cute and stuff”.
“This is a clear case of inequality,” said Bubbles’ lawyer, Wendell Tomstein, of Jacoby, Richards, Blumberg, and Associates. “Hamsters have that little exercise wheel, and all those clear plastic tubes they can run through… not to mention hands and feet! What’s a goldfish got? A little ceramic castle? A fake plant? I mean, how can a goldfish compete?” Lawyers for Mr. Squeaky and Snuggles had no comment. The case is expected to reach the Oregon Supreme Court early next year, and lawmakers fear that the outcome could have a major “ripple” effect over the lives of other domestic pets. Already, local cats are preparing a state-wide class-action suit against the dog community. |
