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Piqua Police were called to the scene of three senseless acts of vandalism yesterday in the downtown warehouse district.
The first complaint came in about 2:20 PM, when Mr. Bendy McOveralott, owner of “The Cane Warehouse”, called to report that a ‘ro-but’ hamster had pulled a large novelty cane off of the roof of his establishment.
“Hamsters ain’t allowed to do that, is they?” asked McOveralott, “Ain’t there some kinda law ag’inst that?” A similar complaint came in shortly after, from Punchy Thuggerson, owner and proprietor of “Boxing Glove City”.
“I was just beating up one of my customers when all of the sudden, I hear this crash up on the roof. So I go outside and this dang hamster is up there vandalizing my building!” said Mr. Thuggerson. “I’m usually a taxpayer! I demand respiration!” Police arrived at the scene just as the hamster was tearing a pair of oversized false teeth off the roof of “The Denture Emporium”. The store’s owner, Grampy Gummerson, was in the store at the time, and had to leave his own dentures behind during his hasty departure.
“Mew muh muhoy muh muyah moom.” said Gummerson. “Buhh muh mor-rmor muhmummy mor a mew. Mohr muh moy mbuh muuh?”
Two local children who witnessed the vandalism, George Beard (age 9) and Harold Hutchins (age10) pointed out that the hamster had only vandalized the buildings in order to fight off a giant mucus-spewing robotic monster that was terrorizing the city (see related story, page D-13). “That’s no excuse,” said Police officer Jean Paul Georgenringo. “Whoever owns that hamster is going to have to pay to have all these buildings repaired!”
After a brief moment of whispering, the two boys confessed that the owner of the hamster in question was Melvin Sneedly (age 9), a local nerd. The store owners immediately began drawing up hefty bills to send to the Sneedly family. “Them Sneedlys ‘s got a big surprise comin’ to them,” laughed McOveralott. |
